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Beer Container Protocol

So I've been drinking (which I do a lot) and thinking (which I don't do nearly enough) and came up with something amazingly brilliant. But then I forgot it and scribbled down this instead. Like most of the women I sleep with, I am sure I'll regret this tomorrow.

Beer Container Protocol

Keg - Always the preferred container for Gods Gift. The man with a keg controls all. They can even be mobilized thanks to dollies and indentured servants. Bringing your keg out in public will attract moochers nine times out of ten, so be sure to bring lots of bear repellant.

Pitcher - If above mentioned indentured servant is otherwise occupied then this is your next best choice. Don't want to share your pitcher? Damn right you don't, and by drinking directly from the pitcher, no one but the drunkest slob will want to share your Saliva Pale Ale.

Pint Glass - Simple, elegant, and always there for you (unlike your girlfriend, who's always there for ME). In the Beer Protocol, the Pint Glass comes third.

Glass Bottle - Hey at least it's not a can!

Yard Glass - Frat boy novelty. If there's good beer in it, the second foot and a half will be warm and flat by the time you reach it. If there's bad beer in it, then I hope you trip and cut yourself on a yard of glass you schmuck

Beer Hat - Makes up for the use of cans by being considered formal-wear in Kentucky. Two beers at a time means you can get funk draster!

Beer Bong - That sixer of Naughty Ice that some loser brought over isn't gonna drink itself. MGD, Bud, PBR, or any other beer that is only valuable for the liquor content can quickly drown your troubles via a large funnel and 3 feet of smelly rubber tubing from Home Depot.

Beer Can - Consider this simply a momentary container before filling your beer bong. Canned beer tastes bad, is not a usable weapon, and despite what your gay uncle told you, it will not make you forget that time he touched your no-no spot.

Plastic Beer Bottle - What good is a beer container if you can hurt a Major League Baseball player with it?

Beer Goggles - Not a Beer container but something everyone should always be wary of. If she's talking to you and not trying to steal your wallet, then she's ugly.

-CGP fo Life-


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